So today, as I was making dinner, I received a text message from my Aunt, saying that her friend(who I have met) had her baby boy the other day. I instantly, like many women(I think) thought about what her birth experience was like. Then the reminder came to me, as I looked at my very round belly....I am going to have another birth story of my own very soon!! I am trying not to be anxious, and have sworn to myself to not try to do anything to kick start my labor, just let it come naturally, but the excitement is creeping, and I cant wait to meet her!!
With that said....I also got the reminder of what birth and labor will be like.....PAINFUL!! This will be my third baby, in less than 4 years....so the memory of that pain never truly went away!! ? Many people wonder why I am planning on delivering natural again, after already experiencing it, and :"proving:" i can do it(who needs to prove anything!). My answer is always this: I have gone 40 weeks of feeling every kick and roll, heartburn, hips stretching, skin stretching, baby flipping......why stop at the best and to me, most important part! I desire to feel my baby enter this world, the emotions that come with it, know that you and your baby are working together, so hard, to get this job done!! Its a personal choice, I give no judgement, its just my hearts desire, for my babies.
As I was having this moment, I realized that just like in birth, those pains that come with the baby entering the world, they don't necessarily go away as the baby grows....they just are different!!! All the ages I have experienced so far(1,2 and part of 3) have each brought their own pains to me as a parent. I constantly struggle to find the balance with letting my kids discover and use their emotions, feeling, actions, good or bad, and keep them in line with learning /doing what is right in the situation. I , as a parent don;'t want my child to be whining (for an hour!!) about not getting to take his cousins home to VA with us, but have realized that he needs to feel that emotion, but learn how to deal with it. I don;'t want to give my children an 'life epidural" to get them to "behave, be quite, stop embarrassing me" Its going to be painful and hard for that season....however long that may be, but it will end!! Eventually,it will be over. And if we don't feel it, we cant experience it, learn from it nor our kids!! And, just like in pregnancy, after your baby is here, your going to miss being pregnant!! Even minutes after all that pain....you might think how you miss it already!!
And just like with my 3 year old that is testing me in all sorts of ways right now...if i don't feel this,I am going to miss it!!! Now i am not saying to let your kids act all sorts of bad crazy and be spoiled, I just mean, let them discover their emotions and learn how to express them so it benefits them. Its a process, just like labor, but it will be well worth it in the end!! At least that is my thinking right now!! i am not a parent expert, just trying to learn as I go, and discover what works for our family!!
I must carry a sign that reads "over yet " because people keep wishing these years away for me, or that my pregnancy will be over sooner....Please, don't do that!!! I rush it enough myself, i don't need you too!! I want to remember and truly EXPERIENCE these years, no matter how challenging they are. I want to remember the struggles I had, the joys we felt...every emotion!!! Bring it on I say!! Because, most importantly, I know that we(Shane and i) are /not alone in this! God has given us many promises to take heart, and trust in Him!! So with him, through him, I feel confident to say again, Bring it on!! I hope you can too!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
A entry for my own heart to remember
I had my 36 week midwife appointment today! This pregnancy, has gone by incredibly fast, I really cannot believe it. I think we, Shane and I, are about ready for baby girl to make her arrival! I mean realistically, my house is a mess(constantly!) we don't have enough newborn diapers, and our bag is not packed! But as far as the excitement of it, anticipation....we are ready!! However, the past few weeks have proven, that our children are not ready for it!
I am not going to lie, its been a rough few weeks, especially with Owen. Being 3 isn't easy, even more so when you are strong willed, super smart, adorable, and have gone through so many changes for a 3 year old!! We went to MI a few weeks ago, suddenly, due to a family member passing, and it was a rough 2 weeks there. It was like the start of these uncontrollable emotional breakdowns for Owen....and the start to Henry using the word "NO" with strength and authority!! They had a great time, but it was still a lot!! Well, it has calmed down a bit now that we are at home and back on a normalish routine. Today was not a very wonderful day though for some reason!! It was like Owen's ears were turned off to me, and my patience was turned off to him!! It was a beautiful day outside today, and we were outside almost all day!! Which was wonderful, and also posed challenges! With a 36 week prego chasing around 2 toddlers in their non fenced in back yard....ya get a bit tired!
Anyways, i don't want to ramble about the challenges of my day...I do have a point I was trying to get at! At bed tonight, we are putting both boys in bed together now, getting Henry ready for it in case baby sleeps in crib when we get home. Owen was testing a little bit and henry wanted to roll around like an alligator until he fell off the bed! Owen loves to be held at night time, love love loves it. In fact, he still wakes up at night, asking to come back into his bed and hold him. I do love it, but it does pose some challenges. Tonight henry, who doesn't love to be held that much at bed time, rather just lay next too, wanted to be held tonight!! So here i am, trying to hold and rock both of them, and my hugely round belly, trying to get them to sleep!! Shane, is driving home from a 4 hour commute to Blacksburg today :( So daddy wasn't there to help, which is ok, gotta do what what you gotta do! Well, owen was trying really hard to just let me hold Henry, and get him calm. And he just looked at henry and said "let me cuddle you Henry" "Mommy, i just want to hold his hand...pat his belly, rub his back...." Here is my little 3 year old, trying to grow up, and do what mamma and daddy do to get them to sleep, and was so loving and serious about it. I loved it, but it also broke my heart a little. I know he is fighting a battle between staying little, and growing to be a big boy. He goes back and forth all day long with sometimes mimicking henry, or acting like a big boy even more so. That is where the emotional breakdowns usually come into play. I have been telling myself he is having a hard time adjusting to the thought that baby sister is coming soon, and that is why he has been acting like this. He is so beyond excited about Ellanore coming, but deep inside, it is still going to be hard to handle, despite his love for her. Tonight at bedtime it was like he was saying "ok mom, you win, i will grow up and you can have this new baby and i will not be little anymore"
I know he really wasn't saying that 100% but my heart felt like it, and it hurt for him. So i told henry to try to lay down, gave him his blanket, and rocked owen, while he was holding his toy fishing pole and whispered to him " be little, be little Owen, do not rush these precious times" and other little things of love and and how very precious he is to us. He drifted off, peacefully, Henry hung in there and after big brother was asleep, he was in my arms again.
I know it seems like i just made henry act like an older big boy by making him wait for momma to get older brother asleep, and that probably happens more than i realize (Owen does require a lot of mamma attention) but henry still is little, and acts little, and plays like a little...Owen, the older he gets, i think needs more reassurance that we love him, no matter what...no matter how bad the day was, how big he is, what he does or says....no conditions.
So, my children are not ready, not emotionally, not yet. They will do wonderfully and love their sister and the transition will take place, ready or not. I just actually saw it today, the struggle, and it affected me. I need to make these next few weeks focused on them....not about getting the nursery all decorated, the house immaculate (ha!!), dinner on the table at the same time (ha!!), or making sure i get my workouts in. These days I will not get back, and once again, things are going to change. Just because I am ready, doesn't mean they are. Its hard to always remember that, for some reason, you think it would be easy, but its not. But I try,and will continue to try my best.
They certainly know how to pull on the heart strings.
Amanda
I am not going to lie, its been a rough few weeks, especially with Owen. Being 3 isn't easy, even more so when you are strong willed, super smart, adorable, and have gone through so many changes for a 3 year old!! We went to MI a few weeks ago, suddenly, due to a family member passing, and it was a rough 2 weeks there. It was like the start of these uncontrollable emotional breakdowns for Owen....and the start to Henry using the word "NO" with strength and authority!! They had a great time, but it was still a lot!! Well, it has calmed down a bit now that we are at home and back on a normalish routine. Today was not a very wonderful day though for some reason!! It was like Owen's ears were turned off to me, and my patience was turned off to him!! It was a beautiful day outside today, and we were outside almost all day!! Which was wonderful, and also posed challenges! With a 36 week prego chasing around 2 toddlers in their non fenced in back yard....ya get a bit tired!
Anyways, i don't want to ramble about the challenges of my day...I do have a point I was trying to get at! At bed tonight, we are putting both boys in bed together now, getting Henry ready for it in case baby sleeps in crib when we get home. Owen was testing a little bit and henry wanted to roll around like an alligator until he fell off the bed! Owen loves to be held at night time, love love loves it. In fact, he still wakes up at night, asking to come back into his bed and hold him. I do love it, but it does pose some challenges. Tonight henry, who doesn't love to be held that much at bed time, rather just lay next too, wanted to be held tonight!! So here i am, trying to hold and rock both of them, and my hugely round belly, trying to get them to sleep!! Shane, is driving home from a 4 hour commute to Blacksburg today :( So daddy wasn't there to help, which is ok, gotta do what what you gotta do! Well, owen was trying really hard to just let me hold Henry, and get him calm. And he just looked at henry and said "let me cuddle you Henry" "Mommy, i just want to hold his hand...pat his belly, rub his back...." Here is my little 3 year old, trying to grow up, and do what mamma and daddy do to get them to sleep, and was so loving and serious about it. I loved it, but it also broke my heart a little. I know he is fighting a battle between staying little, and growing to be a big boy. He goes back and forth all day long with sometimes mimicking henry, or acting like a big boy even more so. That is where the emotional breakdowns usually come into play. I have been telling myself he is having a hard time adjusting to the thought that baby sister is coming soon, and that is why he has been acting like this. He is so beyond excited about Ellanore coming, but deep inside, it is still going to be hard to handle, despite his love for her. Tonight at bedtime it was like he was saying "ok mom, you win, i will grow up and you can have this new baby and i will not be little anymore"
I know he really wasn't saying that 100% but my heart felt like it, and it hurt for him. So i told henry to try to lay down, gave him his blanket, and rocked owen, while he was holding his toy fishing pole and whispered to him " be little, be little Owen, do not rush these precious times" and other little things of love and and how very precious he is to us. He drifted off, peacefully, Henry hung in there and after big brother was asleep, he was in my arms again.
I know it seems like i just made henry act like an older big boy by making him wait for momma to get older brother asleep, and that probably happens more than i realize (Owen does require a lot of mamma attention) but henry still is little, and acts little, and plays like a little...Owen, the older he gets, i think needs more reassurance that we love him, no matter what...no matter how bad the day was, how big he is, what he does or says....no conditions.
So, my children are not ready, not emotionally, not yet. They will do wonderfully and love their sister and the transition will take place, ready or not. I just actually saw it today, the struggle, and it affected me. I need to make these next few weeks focused on them....not about getting the nursery all decorated, the house immaculate (ha!!), dinner on the table at the same time (ha!!), or making sure i get my workouts in. These days I will not get back, and once again, things are going to change. Just because I am ready, doesn't mean they are. Its hard to always remember that, for some reason, you think it would be easy, but its not. But I try,and will continue to try my best.
They certainly know how to pull on the heart strings.
Amanda
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